If You Ask Me / By Martha Knight

The McKean County Commissioners recently proclaimed that October is National Disability Employment Month, and also adopted a resolution titled “Proclamation::Record Your Veteran’s Discharge Day::October 13, 2014,” which specifies that that day is November 3.

No one was on hand to explain the Veteran’s Discharge Day, but Commissioner Chairman Joe DeMott read it aloud. He read the Disability Employment Month one, too, but there was a spokesperson on hand to read a letter in which she and Goodwill recommended the employment of persons with disabilities.

Every so often the commishes adopt such resolutions, and sometimes representatives of organizations serving or advocating for the interests mentioned attend the meeting where action is taken.

They are preaching to the choir, for the commissioners already have agreed to make the proclamation. That is, they have caused it to be placed on the agenda. Usually (or maybe always) the resolution has been provided to them, or there is a handy template for it. Once it is on the agenda it is a done deal. No commissioner has ever voted against such a proclamation.

So why send a spokesperson? That’s easy: for media attention. That’s the same reason there’s an annual report to the commissioners about the Great Growing Gardens alternative punishment program, presented by President Judge John Pavlock and the 3G staffers from the Adult Probation Department.

Reporters, bearing cameras, attend the commishes’ meetings. Making presentations at those meetings creates photo ops.

So it is fortunate that only two possibilities for resolutions and media attention were utilized on October 13.  But October is not over yet, so there could be other worthy causes and groups recognized at the October 28 meeting. There are 140 or more possibilities, apparently.

Suppose even a tenth of them had representatives at that meeting! What if they all supplied model proclamations, and Chairman DeMott had to read them all? (Mrs. Tubbs used to make all the students in her class take turns reading aloud. But Chairman DeMott sees his duty, and does not shirk.)

Some of the causes could pose conflicts. October is Tackling Hunger Month. It is unlikely that this would be celebrated on the spot by passing out some pastries and coffee, but the hunger tacklers of the area might consider that. The Friendship Table and the Meals on Wheels Services and food pantry operations could be recognized in one grand proclamation.

It’s also Pizza Month, Pear and Pineapple Month, Rhizomes and Persimmons Month, Spinach Lovers Month, Vegetarian Month, National Popcorn Popping Month, National Cookbook Month and Eat Better, Eat Together Month.

If you are wondering where’s the beef, let me add that this is also Sausage Month. National Liver Awareness Month too. And Raptor Month. National Seafood Month. And let us not overlook National Photographer Month. Without those excellent folks there would be no photo ops.

Also Squirrel Awareness Month. I’m thinking some of those raptors have keen squirrel awareness anyway. And are we to be aware of squirrels as wildlife or as small game or as prey that we can make a non-vegetarian meal on? As for the liver awareness, I don’t know whether that means having our own liver function checked, or seeking out that organ meat delicacy at the store (and don’t even try finding pork liver).

Suddenly I find myself thinking of the gruesome artwork on the Latin classroom wall, depicting Prometheus bound. Talk about liver trouble! There is poor Prome, shackled to a cliff on Kazbek Mountain in the Causasus, Titan though he is, and there is an eagle (king of the raptors) devouring his liver every day, which keeps growing back overnight because Prome is immortal.

All because Prome tricked Zeus into accepting the inedible portions of animals for sacrificial offerings, so the humans could have the good parts for food. Then, of course, Prome had to steal fire from Olympus: how else to grill those burgers and chops?

So many possibilities for conflicts among the champions for various groups wanting their causes boosted by commissioners’ proclamations! Once I asked what it would take to get Meals on Wheels recognized by a proclamation. The chairman smilingly told me that someone needs to draft such a proclamation and submit it for consideration. Presumably that would be someone who can stay in the subjunctive mode for a number of Whereas-es, before surfacing with a Now, therefore be it resolved…

Ideally, we would have a Meals on Wheels consumer on hand to represent the agency. But they are home-bound, as a rule, so we would need one of the program’s volunteers, most of whom are too busy to attend forenoon meetings.

On the very day those two proclamations were proclaimed, there were these possibilities for national days:

Columbus Day (second Monday in October), National Train Your Brain Day, National Yorkshire Pudding Day (but wouldn’t that be in the UK?), National Kick Butt Day, Native American Day, and Navy Birthday.

It made the news that Seattle and Minneapolis now recognize the second Monday of October as Indigenous People’s Day.  Hmm. I wonder about the Dakotas—the states and the tribes. Sioux City. Salamanca. Muskogee. Seneca. Genesee. Cayuga. Pueblo. Conestoga. Delaware. Illinois. Iowa. Cheyenne. Oneida. Quinnipiac. Towanda. Tonawanda…. And do we think Allegany is a good European or English word, or of Native American derivation?

Picture representatives of brain trainers, Italian-American lodges and the U.S. Navy showing up at the commissioners’ meeting, and encountering Yorkshire Pudding enthusiasts fresh from the local pub, and even a Butt Kicking specialist (someone with martial arts chops, most likely).

There would be chaos, but for the fact that chief clerk Audrey Irons wields a lethal letter opener, and Chairman DeMott has a sturdy gavel (with lead shot inside, do you think?). They see to law and order on their floor, and the maintenance crew deals with Lawn Order outside.

Peace.